Michael Ray: Challenging the ‘Fatherhood Forfeit’ for Gender Equality

Interview with Michael Ray by Leah Morris.

If men aren’t fully recognised as essential caregivers alongside women, then no one’s set up to win. 

Think of a modern ‘dad’. What does he look like? How does he show up for his family, and at work? If you ask a large language model like ChatGPT, it’s likely to give you a progressive snapshot of the hand-on role men play as fathers today, but this idealised picture is far from the fact.

Only 14% of primary parental leave is taken by men in Australia (2023-4), and men are twice as likely to have requests for flexible working rejected. Many agencies still offer just a couple of weeks’ leave for secondary caregivers.

Author, speaker and solo Dad Michael Ray became a father at 49, and just two years later, found himself as the sole parent to his daughter, Charlie. I connected with Michael after his powerful talk at Cairns Crocodiles, in which he shared compelling insights into outdated gender and societal roles and their negative effects on individuals and organisations.

Read on for Michael’s personal story and discover his insights about what needs to change if we’re to enact this critical social change for the benefit of all. 

LM: What does ‘gender equality’ mean to you personally? 

MR: Equality, to me, isn’t about arbitrary policies or headcounts. It’s about being valued. Feeling seen, respected and supported for what you do and who you are. We seem to be endlessly patting ourselves on the back about achieving DE&I targets without asking if those who are now included actually feel welcomed, and that’s where we’re still miles off because the real work of cultural conditioning hasn't been done.

When I became a dad at 49, and then a full-time solo one just a couple of years later, I walked into a world that didn’t quite know what to do with me. At my 4-year-old daughter's ballet concert, they banned me from assisting my daughter backstage. Not because I’d done anything wrong. Just because I was a man. If I hadn’t fought this ban, my daughter would have been the only child without a parent by her side to calm her nerves, share her excitement or forge those indelible magic memories with. 

At school, the teacher emails went to someone who wasn’t even around. I was invisible unless there was a problem.

That’s not policy. That’s culture. And our kids are watching it play out.

We talk about the Motherhood Penalty — and yeah, it’s real. But the only reason it exists is because we’ve built a system where fatherhood is optional. And when something’s optional, it’s easy to overlook. That’s what Dr Jasmine Kelland called the Fatherhood Forfeit. And it stuck with me.

Because when you frame care as women’s work, men miss out on more than just time. They miss out on purpose. On connection. On the deep, messy, beautiful stuff that makes raising a child one of the most meaningful things... And yet, we act like that’s the burden.

Ubuntu — the African philosophy that shaped part of my own thinking — says “I am because we are.” It reminds us that who we are is formed through our relationships. But if we believe that, then why are we still shaping equality policies that make men ghosts in the world of care?

LM: Why is it so important that men are fully recognised as essential caregivers?

MR: Because if they’re not, then no one’s set up to win. In its simplest form, if dads can't, mums must. 

RBG (Ruth Bader Ginsberg) saw it decades ago. She fought for men’s right to care, knowing full well equality couldn’t exist without it. And yet here we, are still treating fatherhood like a footnote. How are we still missing the point of this visionary legend?

When men aren’t given the respect or support to show up as equal caregivers, women end up carrying the bulk of the load at home and more at work too. 

We told women they could have it all, and that was a lie. We told men that there was only one role for them, and that was a travesty. 

You see it everywhere. Especially in male-dominated industries like construction or transport, where the idea of taking leave for parenting is still a punchline. 

The Workplace Gender Equality Agency (WGEA) reports that despite 70% of Australian workplaces having a formal policy for flexible working, less than 2% have set targets for men’s engagement in flexible working. 

There’s a silent rule that if you’re a bloke, your personal life stays outside the gates.

But here’s the thing. Plenty of dads want to be there. To do pickups. To pack lunches. To sit through school assemblies and learn how to plait hair badly. They want that. But when the system doesn’t expect them to, or even quietly punishes them for trying, the message is loud and clear. You don’t belong here.

Now imagine what that message does to a child watching. When Dad is absent from the parenting room, the ads and the baby books; and the change table doesn’t even exist in the men’s bathroom. Yet we’ve somehow managed to retrofit syringe disposals in every male toilet. So what are we saying? That men are more likely to be drug users or diabetics than hands-on parents?

These little cues add up. And our children take them in long before they can spell ‘career.’

LM: What other changes do you think are needed to create a more gender equal culture in Australia? 

MR: We need to stop pretending that arbitrary policies will solve a cultural problem.  

Advertising’s a big one.

We’ve spent decades fighting for better representation of women and that matters. But when it comes to dads, we’re still telling the same joke. They’re either hopeless or heroic. Rarely just quietly competent and committed.

This stuff doesn’t live in the background. It shapes who shows up, how they show up, and how they’re treated. If all a child sees are mothers giving instructions to fathers, and dads being treated like babysitters, what story are we telling?

This is where pluralistic ignorance becomes dangerous. Blokes want to be involved, but think they’re the only ones. So they keep quiet. Don’t ask for flexible work. Don’t challenge the hours or the roster. Because no one else is doing it, right? Except… they are, we just aren't looking. 

Currently 1 in 5 single parent households are led by fathers. Single father households are also the fastest growing family demographic in Australia, estimated to increase 40-65% by the 2041 census. Fathers today spend triple the time parenting as a generation ago. 

Advertising can change this ignorance. It shapes culture. It creates what we consider normal. Show fathers being trusted. Being there as they already are. Not as unicorns, but as equals.

We don’t need another nappy commercial where Dad is amazed he can change one. We need a story that shows he already does. Often. Without applause.

LM: How have you been able to challenge outdated stereotypes through your advocacy work? 

MR: Mostly by not disappearing when I was made to feel invisible.

I didn’t have a blueprint. I had a daughter. I had forms that didn’t mention me. I had change rooms I wasn’t allowed in. And I thought if I’m feeling this, surely I’m not the only one.

So I told my story. And I was inundated as other blokes told me theirs. Not because they wanted sympathy. But because they didn’t think anyone would understand. The most common thing I hear isn’t anger. It’s relief – that someone else said it out loud.

Maternal gatekeeping comes up a lot. And it’s uncomfortable. But real. I’ve seen it time and again, well-meaning mothers who’ve done so much for so long that stepping back feels risky. But when that space is never made for fathers, it reinforces the idea that dads are outsiders. Assistants. Optional.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. We can change the script. Not with blame, but with truth. With inclusion that doesn’t look like charity, but respect.

Fathers have their own experiences to influence them, their own instincts and paths to follow and their own lessons to learn. 

Fatherhood is different, not less. And our kids are watching that too.

LM: What’s one piece of advice would you share with the dads in our community? 

MR: You don’t need permission to be a parent. It’s a team sport.

If you’re waiting for someone to say you’re allowed to be all in, stop. You’re already in it. The only question is whether you’ll own it or outsource it.

In the beginning, especially as a sole parent, I was terrified that I didn't have all of the answers, and I still don't. But now I'm okay with that. You don’t need to get it perfect. No one does. But you do have instincts, and influence. And that matters.

You’re not a secondary caregiver. You’re a father. And that is not a job title to apologise for or dilute. That’s a role you grow into every day. 

The ridiculous notion that you instantly "become" a father the day your child is born is akin to saying a student becomes a scholar when they walk through the school gates. 

Forget about the Disney fetishised depictions of motherhood that says, "Only a Mother's Love", "Mother Knows Best" or the mythical "Maternal Instinct" – all of which put incredible pressures on mums struggling with the normal challenges of raising an infant. Apart from breastfeeding and birth, you’re built for this.

LM: And lastly, what’s something women can do to support men in the workplace, who are caregivers? 

MR: It starts with space. Not just physical – cultural, emotional and relational. Not space to “help”, space to lead, to co-create and to parent.

That means stepping back sometimes. Letting things be done differently. Trusting that love doesn’t always look one way. And maybe asking ‘are we sharing the care, or just the tasks?’

It also means pushing for change in spaces where women now dominate, and the rooms where workplace flexibility and parental leave are designed. Because equality that only works for women is not equality at all. It’s a new version of imbalance.

If we begin at the beginning and tie our boys to fatherhood the way we do our girls to motherhood, just imagine what becomes unnecessary. The well-intentioned workshops. The endless campaigns. The policies trying to undo decades of social conditioning.

So many of the problems we’re trying to fix might disappear if we stopped writing boys out of the story before it even starts.

Equality won't come from Parliament and policies, it will come from our lounge rooms and the examples we set for future generations. 

About Michael Ray

Michael Ray helps organisations move beyond tick-box equality. With lived experience and powerful storytelling, he shows how to overcome resistance, cut through any backlash and bring men into the conversation in a way that actually sticks.

He turns bystanders into stakeholders by challenging outdated roles and offering practical ways to shift culture, engage fathers and drive real change — at work, in schools and in homes. If your inclusion efforts aren’t shifting behaviour or you’re struggling to get men meaningfully involved, Michael offers the missing piece.

Michael is the author of ‘Who Knew?’, a powerful, personal read that challenges everything we think we know about parenting, gender roles and modern masculinity.

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